Occasionally when I am sleeping (and when I am thinking, though I cannot tell the difference sometimes) the Good Lord will speak to my heart so clearly that I am not able to doubt. My usual filters and defenses are disarmed so that I can not only hear, but I am able to freely and clearly discern what is of God, what is of Mike and what is of the Devil.
Last night was one of those graced moments. The past few weeks have been particularly difficult for me spiritually. My prayer has been constant, but also agonizing, as I am becoming aware of how little I reflect the Love of Christ. Outside of offering the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass and celebrating the Sacraments with and for the people, I am terribly deficient in Christian charity, good works and perseverance. I don't want this post to degenerate into yet another of my narcissistic rants, so suffice it to say that were I to grade myself on discipleship I would give myself a D+!
Anyway... I had a series of awful days and a great friend of mine took an entire afternoon to help me through it. After that day of healing and grace, I went to bed at 2:30 am. My grandmother needed her usual assistance at 4 am. She is so sweet. She always tells me thanks and then says, "God Bless you. I don't know what I would do without you." It doesn't matter how groggy or irritable I am, she is always so appreciative. There is a lesson for me! Even if I had been angry with her or with life, I return to my room humbled and something like... absolved.
This morning at 4 am was no different. Humbled, delivered, absolved I settled in when the "still small voice" spoke. I seldom share these messages. They are usually personal messages of direction or correction. Last night the Lord told me that "this day I would do something great." I actually woke myself up laughing! My days of delusions of greatness have long since passed. I am too much of a realist. I still have a few delusional friends who are convinced that there is something great that God has for me to do. I do not share that conviction.
So you might understand why my response to last night's "message" was laughter. "This day" in Central Pa! Me! So I quickly dismissed the message and forgot it. I made breakfast for Granny. It was great. I said my morning Office. It was great. I made my weekly visit to the nursing home, prayed and shared communion with 4 elderly ladies, and it was great. I didn't "feel" it. I knew it was great. It was great because of God, not because of me. There was no high. There was a sense of satisfaction and peace, knowing that even when I am a mess, God is in control. Then I suddenly remembered the message~ this day you will do something great.
What does the rest of the day hold? Who knows? God knows, and it will be great. Everything done with God is great. There are no insignificant graces.