Friday, June 25, 2010

When It Is Not Hunky-Dorey

I'm having one of those days when the universe and all that is in it appears to me to be uptight. Of course I know that I am projecting. It is I, after all, who is uptight for some reason. My neck muscles are tight. My tinnitus is buzzing away. My heart rate is irregular. And there is really nothing wrong. I just am having "one of those days."

In the midst of all this, I have also had a wonderful day of prayer. The Mass was superb. My rosaries were beautiful. The Office was not a struggle as it is for me at times when I have to pray it alone.

I get like this fairly often. Yuppie Angst? Ravings of a mad man? I don't know that understanding why I feel this way would help much. It is a part of my existence and has been since my earliest memories. As a toddler there were times when I would feel like a big knotted rope only to be stretched out like a tight string on a guitar or piano. My mom would laugh when I would tell her. She thought I was trying to be silly. Of course, I also would variously tell her that I felt like a tiger, a policeman, a sunbeam, a cloud or a frog. But the tight rope and the stretched string were not make believe.

I was abused as a toddler. Physically and mentally. Knot-to-string followed abuse. Then when the abuser was gone, knot-to-string hung on. It is still a part of me. I experience it when there is conflict, when I feel abandoned, when I feel insecure or when I feel threatened.

Today it is a combination of feeling abandoned and insecure. I know that I am not abandoned, but I feel that way this afternoon. The insecurity is more understandable to me. It all has to do with my assignments as a priest. I love my current placement. I know I could be moved at any time by the Bishop. I don't want to fall in love with these people because it hurts so much to leave. It is too late. I love the people of Our Lady of Lourdes. I have no choice but to be a lover.

I shouldn't be transferred this year. I hope I have a few years at this parish. This year I was juggled around to a total of 5 parishes. The year before my exile I was moved twice before I refused the 3rd placement due to my grandmother's declining health. Stability would be nice for awhile. But the Son of Man had no place to lay his head...

Even though a transfer would in no way be an abuse, I react to it as though it were such. So I will lay my head on the shoulder of my Lord or sit in the lap of my Blessed Mother. Now... why was I feeling insecure?

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